#203: Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter is Teetering on the Edge of Sanity

My sister is blessed with reproductive talent.  She has four little ones, whom I adore when I’m not the adult responsible for all four of their lives, simultaneously.  The eldest is eight and the youngest is two.  This summer:

I babysat all four children at once.  Alone.

My Sweet Dear Mother was supposed to tag-team in on the gig.  She woke up with a headache (read: lightweight got hungover after drinking 4 beers over a 4 hour period) so I told her to just relax and stay home to get things done for Frankie’s impending surprise retirement party.  She actually did.  I’ll remember to drop her off at the nursing home one day sooner than planned.   So, the kids and I were on our own.

These kids love to shop.  Merchandise is an afterthought, they just need to get to a locale that has shit for sale.  So, we walked a few streets over and went to a garage sale.  Most of the kids, I think I still had four at that point, found precious treasures to buy.  But one little girl left empty handed.  It seemed she had higher standards than the others and didn’t want to spend her hard-earned money on a nasty stuffed animal matted down with cat hair or a urine-stained doily.  She didn’t complain or cry about it or try to steal her siblings’ finds, though.  Nope, not once.

Next, we ventured to the park.  We played relay-races, swings, sharks & minnows, Greenbox crafts and more.  It was a grand old affair. Time to head home for lunch.

Now, this is when the wheels begun to fall off.  Now that we were confined to a 4 bedroom home with toys abound and a large yard, nothing was sufficient.  Boredom ensued.  We never get to do anything or go anywhere.  Why didn’t I get to buy anything at the garage sale.  Sammy doesn’t even understand the rules of baseball.  Why can’t I ride my tricycle in the street.  Bree bit me.  When are you taking me to McDonald’s and Wal-mart.  I’m planning to destroy the fort my brother just spent 20 minutes building.

I began sending my sister death threat texts to hurry home.  It was the longest 23 minutes of my life.  Then she arrived with an armful of Subway sandwiches, chips and orange Hi-C and everything was suddenly fine.

The Angels, modeling my crazy good babysitting skills.


Fun Factor: 10


#202: A River Ran Through It

One night this summer, we got dressed up, went out to a fun dinner and then:

I went on a riverboat architectural cruise.

Two avid readers might claim that this is not a new thing because I have, in fact, been on a riverboat architectural cruise before. However, this one was different in that it was at night and it was a COCKTAIL cruise.  Sorry, Mom, sneaking in a flask of Hennessy for the 8am cruise doesn’t count.  It was awesome.  I liked the first one too, but something about it being at night as the buildings are all lit up, with wine, made it better.

#201: Green is the new Loser Degenerate

In May I moved to an apartment on Green Street.  So, naturally:

I hosted a Green Party.

I mailed invitations and invited my 3 friends (literally, there were a total of three households invited) to come over and celebrate the move with a “green” theme.  (Luckily, I had 2 friends visiting from out of town that weekend to increase attendance by 33%.)

The only guidance given was to be creative.  A man that will remain unnamed warned me that these directions given to prospective guests were far too vague.  To which I responded, GET OFF MY BALLS.  We made green food, got green bottled beers and had a signature green cocktail.  I was pumped.

Probably should have been a bit more specific.  Two people came with a bouquet of flowers as their green (not overlooking the sweet gesture, but definitely a sell-out); one person came with a $1 pinned to her shirt.  One person wore a shirt that could be loosely described as green in color.  One out-of-towner did not dress up at all.  The other did get an A+ for effort because she made a shirt depicting a recycle symbol for the occasion.I dressed as Alan Greenspan.  Since the costume portion of the party was a failure, the drinking portion was certainly going to be successful: I got hammered and passed out by 10pm.  I showed them.

My co-host, however, did compensate for our loser friends with his costume.  Warning: the following photo is suitable only for those with highly impaired vision.

Fun Factor: 7

#200: I Got Roofied

I’ve been to my share of games at the Friendly Confines in the nine years I’ve lived the Windy City.  But not until this year did I:

Attend a rooftop Cubs party.

View of the game.

We bought a Groupon and next thing you know we were slinging back drinks with every other douche in Wrigleyville.

Fun Factor: 9

#199: Point Break Live

Have you had the pleasure of viewing the 1991 film Point Break?  Well, if you enjoyed that iconic feature, you might want to check out its current broadway rendition:

I saw a production of Point Break Live.  

Basically, it’s a live cast acting the movie’s script verbatim, with props.  It enhances how ridiculous the movie really is.  We sat in the splash zone and were sprayed with water guns during the fight scenes.  The best part was at the beginning when they have audience volunteers audition to play the part of Keanu Reeves. His acting is so terrible that a civilian off the street can read his part. Hilarious.

We sat in the "splash zone" and were sprayed with water guns during the intense fight scenes.

Fun Factor: 8







#198: Mass Exodus

We recently went to a Notre Dame football game with my parents.  After tailgating, eating dippin dots and a hot dog:

I, and several thousand other humans, evacuated a college football stadium.

The day was bizarre.  It was about 95 degrees when we were tailgating so when the rain came, it was actually quite nice.  Next thing you know, we were being ushered out of the stadium because of the impending storm.  First time in its history the stadium was cleared like that.  I guess there’s worse things in history to be part of, but it was pretty lame.

Posing before the storm hit.

Fun Factor: 3

#197: Queen of the World

My friend Molly and I went on vacation together in January, so:

I went on a cruise.

Check, #22.  Our boat was called Oasis of the Seas and I think Molly and I would have volunteered to clean up the vomit from each deck floor if they would let us stay forever.  Yummy food, drinks and entertainment.  Casinos, simulated surfing game, basketball courts, dozens of restaurants, plays and musicals, etc. I’ve heard people say they hate the feeling of being cooped up on a boat for a week.  Clearly they did not have a balcony room on this effing boat.

Fun Factor: 10